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mcsweeneys.net

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McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Monologue: I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.

mcsweeneys.net
Sorry the entire world can’t all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people like to have fun. Sorry I’m standing in the way of your minimalist Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme, and lighten the fuck up for once.
Estimated reading time: 2 min

The Ultimate Guide to Writing Better Than You Normally Do.

mcsweeneys.net
A wicked temptress beckoning you to watch your children, and take showers. Well, it’s time to look procrastination in the eye and tell that seafaring wench, “Sorry not today, today I write.”
Estimated reading time: 4 min

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.

mcsweeneys.net
The revolution will not be televised, but I guess if you really need to see it, you could download a torrent. Just be careful, because if we get another letter from Time Warner, they’re going to cut off our internet.
Estimated reading time: 3 min

The World’s First and Only Completely Honest Résumé of a Graphic Designer.

mcsweeneys.net
All the computer programs known to man, except for Microsoft Word. That is where graphic design goes to lay down and die.
Estimated reading time: 5 min

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Open Letters: An Open Letter to The Guy Who Puked Next to Me at the Heavy Metal Festival.

mcsweeneys.net
Like a Knight in Shining Metal, you circled the massive outline of your former insides steaming on the sun-baked asphalt, dropped to one knee, looked across the sea of vomit towards your pride-beaming lady, flipped the bird with both hands, and said, “Babe, take a picture of me and my puke.‹
Estimated reading time: 5 min

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: You Look at Me Like You’ve Never Seen a Neo-Hipster Before.

mcsweeneys.net
I haven’t gone pleb on you, I’m actually a neo-hipster now. It’s basically where you’re a hipster, but since hipsterism has gone so mainstream you dress and act like a regular person, ironically.
Estimated reading time: 3 min

Failure Map.

mcsweeneys.net
You will have been moderately successful. You will stay with more successful friends. Because it is California, the land to where the more successful have already moved. You will stay with good friends. You will stay with friends of good friends. You will stay with colleagues of friends of good friends.
Estimated reading time: 3 min

Open Letters: An Open Letter to People Who Take Pictures of Food With Instagram.

mcsweeneys.net
So now that you’re a professional photographer, you need to capture the simpler things in life. All of them. It is your duty as an artist, after all. And there is nothing simpler than your pretentious foodie excursions. You posted an Instagram-ed picture of a handful of blueberries the other day. What would your day have been without those blueberries? Would you have felt a little less connected to the earth and, ultimately, yourself? Would you have felt guilty about letting all of nature’s candy go to waste? Or perhaps the real question is this: how disappointed would you have felt if you[…]
Estimated reading time: 3 min

Your Instagram Horoscope.

mcsweeneys.net
Lo-fi: You’re drawn to the gothic, to crumbling frescoes and dark corridors. Does intensifying the saturation evince the sorrow of urban decay, fragmented families and desolation that fill the coal-black heart of our deindustrialized centers of commerce? Nope. It’s just a shitty wall, a boring hallway.
Estimated reading time: 4 min

The New York Times Announces an Editorial Policy Change.

mcsweeneys.net
We’ll just print “fuck” and move on, like grown-ups.
Estimated reading time: 3 min

Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Person in Charge of New Punctuation.

mcsweeneys.net
I would also like to check up on the status of the interrobang (also known as the “quesclamation mark”). You may not remember it, but it was the combination exclamation point/question mark invented by ad executive Martin Spekter to help us with such sentences as “WHAT did you just say to me?!” and “Lindsay Lohan’s suing WHO?! Over WHAT?!”
Estimated reading time: 4 min

List: Boy Scout Merit Badge Projects.

mcsweeneys.net
With your parents’ permission, build a self-aware robot capable of love. Equip it with tear ducts and laser cannons.
Estimated reading time: 1 min

Back From Yet Another Globetrotting Adventure, Indiana Jones Checks His Mail And Discovers That His Bid For Tenure Has Been Denied.

mcsweeneys.net
Moreover, no one on the committee can identify who or what instilled Dr. Jones with the belief that an archaeologist’s tool kit should consist solely of a bullwhip and a revolve
Estimated reading time: 5 min

BY Mike Lacher

mcsweeneys.net
Word had spread through the kingdom that this warrior worked with computers and perhaps even knew the true nature of the Router.
Estimated reading time: 4 min

List: Lesser-Known Paradoxes.

mcsweeneys.net
Folger’s Paradox When a lack of coffee in the morning prevents an individual from being able to functionally leave their home to buy coffee.
Estimated reading time: 1 min
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